I held on to something precarious for whatever reasons. I knew it was going to fall apart sooner or later, so I thought why not let it go. The minute I did it, I was kind of free falling, not knowing whether I was going to hit a concrete or cushion. I took my bet and here I am, one year later, wiser, stronger, and absolutely happier.
It’s the season again and I’m in a contemplative mood as per usual end-of-the-year fashion. To say that time flies is an understatement. Because time rushes like it has a freaking NOS. But within this period that felt fleeting, I’d actually been through quite a lot and learned a lot.
This has been a year of rediscovering myself. It’s funny how I had to lose it before really finding it again. But I guess that is just the way life teaches us lessons. Through mistakes.
There were moments when I felt shitty as hell. I melted down, crumbled down, felt defeated and powerless. Regret, disappointment, and pain all came rushing in. Of course this part of my life was not and will never be on public display, because those moments happened behind closed doors, soundproofed by my pillows. But I guess with this writing I wanted people to know that that happened. That my life isn’t all about beaches and beers and good times. Occasionally, I had to force myself to get up and hold my head high and slap a smile on my face.
At the end, it was all worth it. Because I was able to rise above the cloud and experience some moments of personal achievement as I found a way back to my better self.
I learned to be free. In retrospect, I realized how I thought I was free, but actually I was confined by compromises. Compromises that I shouldn’t have made. Now that I’ve found a new meaning for personal freedom, I find it very rewarding. And I treasure it.
I learned to not sell my self short. I determined my self worth and tried my best to live by it and not let anybody tell me otherwise.
I learned to
be straightforward rip off the bandaid. All this time, I have always been very considerate of people’s feelings, because I never wanted to hurt people. But apparently that has been on my expense and most of the time I was the one who got hurt. So this year, I’ve learned to be more upfront about what I want. Because that’s just better for me and the other people. So I’ve been refining my skill in trying to convey this message gently:
“I’m really not looking for a serious relationship right now. And nobody has been able to change my mind about it. But you’re free to try.”
I learned to love my self more by not depriving myself of mental and physical health and happiness. I figured out the things that make me happy and actively seek them, as opposed to waiting for those things to come to me.
I learned to be the bigger person. To not succumb to petulance. To pick my battles.
I learned to laugh at people’s judgments of me. I know those judgments tell more about themselves than about me.
I learned that there was so much strength inside of me and more. And I only figured it out because I took a bet, have faith, and let go.